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Aug. 18th, 2014

(no subject)

i've been off heroin for 15 days today i wanna kill myself

Jul. 26th, 2014

(no subject)

i havent been doing so great. I thought I was getting more dope yesterday, I still might get some today but it completely ruined my day. Just spending that much time and energy thinking about getting high drains me completely... Makes me feel so low I want to fucking off myself.
In the mean time, I've been getting blacked out on my large supply of liquid Xanax, klonopin, and adderall when I start to nod off. I'm with family so I can't seem blatantly fucked up. If only. Sigh.
anyway, quitting after that last bag didn't quite work out. I knew that it wouldn't. But I do want to stop- have to stop- and soon. I don't want to go to college and have the first thing I'm thinking about be drugs and getting my fix and finding a new connect. I don't want to form my friendships around that. I've done it before and I don't want to repeat the same mistakes.
ive still been binging and purging a good amount. I'm dealing with a lot of stressful situations with boyfriend(s) \boys I'm having sex with and I've just been trying to numb myself out in any way possible. I need to stop doing this. I fucking have to.
Ive been saying that since I started. I've been saying that for nearly 8 months on a daily basis. I knew when I tried It my life was over. I already knew. But it felt so good and took away all my bad feelings and problems and stress and issues I should dealing with. It made all that go away... Until I wake up in the morning, in same exact place I was before. Worse even. I'm ruining my life. I just turned 18. I'm ruining myself. I know I'll never be the same. I am a burden to the few people who love me. I'm sorry.
That's all I ever say anymore. I'm sorry I don't have the courage or strength or self control to move on from my heroin addiction. And even if I did, what difference would it make? My bulimia would get worse, or the anorexia, and I would probably just try to replace dope with Xanax. I don't want that to happen. I'm scared. I just want the shit to stop. I want it to stop for good. But I can't change my brain, my brain chemistry, and all the imbalances that come along with that. I can't change. I've ruined myself. I really have. I want to go back. There is no way. How the fuck am I supposed to move forward with so much baggage on my shoulders? With such an obvious problem and flaw. I don't know how. I think that's why I've been stuck, pretty much since the first time I did opiates, for the past 8 months.
I do want things to be different. I don't want to spend my life a broke, desperate, strung out junkie. I'm going to college.. I want to make something out of myself. I want to help people.. Maybe people like me. Or maybe children. I don't know. But none of that's gonna happen if I'm a dope fiend for the rest of my life. All I'll do is hurt the people who are crazy enough to love me and eventually kill myself. I won't get through school.
I'm just scared. I'm always scared. I have suboxone so I won't even withdrawal but I still want to do it. Still, considering all that, all I can think about is scoring today, and if it's going to happen, and when. I'm sorry for this fucking pathetic rant. I ruin everything good in my life and replace it with something terrible.

(no subject)

This game you’re playing is so tedious

Black out on white lies and blame it on bulimia.

Mar. 20th, 2012

(no subject)


Nov. 9th, 2011

(no subject)

    Why is there no meaning behind what people say anymore? When I say I don't like someone, I mean it, that's the reason I say it. I don't say it to show that I'm OK without them or that I don't need them in my life. Since when are people so conniving? I wish people actually meant the things they said. It seems like no one does anymore. 

    It's amazing to me that some people feel like they can judge others when they don't have their shit together themselves. I'm 2 faced? LOOK AT YOURSELF. WORY ABOUT YOURSELF. Don't bitch about me to other people and then turn around and pretend I'm your best friend. Don't tell me how much you hate so and so and then completely ditch me a day later and spend all of your time with them. You're pathetic. You have issues. I'm not going to be a part of it anymore. 

Nov. 5th, 2011

(no subject)

I think I just grew up too fast last year. Now, if I have a weekend where I don't sneak out both nights and get completely trashed I don't even know what to do with myself. I HATE being home by myself like this, I want someone to pick me up and take me to a party right now!!

Oct. 26th, 2011

In my fitness and wellness class this morning

We talked about how creative journaling helps relieve stress, anxiety, that kind of thing. I used to journal all of the time, but I stopped because my parents found it, and at that time I mainly wrote about my eating disorder and the behaviors I was using so it was just horrible. But, now that I'm recovered, I doubt they'll be snooping around in my room. Other then trying to find pot or alcohol, but why would she look for that in a book? I am kind of worried she'll read it and see a page that I write about how I've had sex or how I sneak out every weekend. I'm just going to be subtle when I write, yeah. It'll be fine. I just remember what a release it used to be, I really want it back. I tried doing an online journal at www.my-diary.org but it's not the same as when it's on paper. So yeah.

Oct. 25th, 2011

My uncle was diagnosed with throat cancer today

I guess they don't know what stage it's at yet.. I don't know, my dad didn't tell me much about it and I didn't want to press for information. I'm just really worried. 

So I'm recovering now

I love this picture. It always helps me when I'm feeling unmotivated, which, recently, is very often.

Dec. 7th, 2009

I've now got the new LiveJournal Messenger.

I've now got the new LiveJournal Messenger. My Windows Live ID is xoxocsr@livejournal.com. Sign up now and we can chat!