i havent been doing so great. I thought I was getting more dope yesterday, I still might get some today but it completely ruined my day. Just spending that much time and energy thinking about getting high drains me completely... Makes me feel so low I want to fucking off myself.
In the mean time, I've been getting blacked out on my large supply of liquid Xanax, klonopin, and adderall when I start to nod off. I'm with family so I can't seem blatantly fucked up. If only. Sigh.
anyway, quitting after that last bag didn't quite work out. I knew that it wouldn't. But I do want to stop- have to stop- and soon. I don't want to go to college and have the first thing I'm thinking about be drugs and getting my fix and finding a new connect. I don't want to form my friendships around that. I've done it before and I don't want to repeat the same mistakes.
ive still been binging and purging a good amount. I'm dealing with a lot of stressful situations with boyfriend(s) \boys I'm having sex with and I've just been trying to numb myself out in any way possible. I need to stop doing this. I fucking have to.
Ive been saying that since I started. I've been saying that for nearly 8 months on a daily basis. I knew when I tried It my life was over. I already knew. But it felt so good and took away all my bad feelings and problems and stress and issues I should dealing with. It made all that go away... Until I wake up in the morning, in same exact place I was before. Worse even. I'm ruining my life. I just turned 18. I'm ruining myself. I know I'll never be the same. I am a burden to the few people who love me. I'm sorry.
That's all I ever say anymore. I'm sorry I don't have the courage or strength or self control to move on from my heroin addiction. And even if I did, what difference would it make? My bulimia would get worse, or the anorexia, and I would probably just try to replace dope with Xanax. I don't want that to happen. I'm scared. I just want the shit to stop. I want it to stop for good. But I can't change my brain, my brain chemistry, and all the imbalances that come along with that. I can't change. I've ruined myself. I really have. I want to go back. There is no way. How the fuck am I supposed to move forward with so much baggage on my shoulders? With such an obvious problem and flaw. I don't know how. I think that's why I've been stuck, pretty much since the first time I did opiates, for the past 8 months.
I do want things to be different. I don't want to spend my life a broke, desperate, strung out junkie. I'm going to college.. I want to make something out of myself. I want to help people.. Maybe people like me. Or maybe children. I don't know. But none of that's gonna happen if I'm a dope fiend for the rest of my life. All I'll do is hurt the people who are crazy enough to love me and eventually kill myself. I won't get through school.
I'm just scared. I'm always scared. I have suboxone so I won't even withdrawal but I still want to do it. Still, considering all that, all I can think about is scoring today, and if it's going to happen, and when. I'm sorry for this fucking pathetic rant. I ruin everything good in my life and replace it with something terrible.